Sleep, what a concept......

So I don't really know what sleep is anymore. Not that I don't want to, cause my body is screaming for sleep right now. =) I tell you, this is one of my final semesters before I finally start nursing school and it is killing me!! I've never been one whose grades come easily, but I've always worked really hard and gotten good grades. It seems that no matter how hard I work, my grades are slipping. I actually had been pretty hard on myself about it, but I have a great support group. My Momma keeps reminding me of how different things are this semester. How much more I have taken on, especially at church and with the young girls in my life. It's only natural my grades wouldn't come as easily right??

Why is it then, that I feel so downright incapable? I get so stressed out because of it. I am running myself down....not just with school, but the full time job and several hours a week of church related things. I can't really complain. I am so very blessed to be where I am and doing what I am. 10 years ago, I couldn't tell you where I would be. Possibly not even here anymore. That's a pretty scary thing when you stop to look at it.

So even though I feel like I am going crazy sometimes, I have to stop and thank God for the many blessings in my life....it wasn't that long ago that I was on the bottom looking up not sure where relief would come from.

Now I am on stable ground look forward to what lies ahead....grateful for the trust God has placed in me to affect another human soul.

Just another one of those times

It's nearing General Conference again, school is keeping me stressed, and busy, and I've taken on more responsibility at church...jumped into more children's ministry.

In the midst of all of this, God is speaking to me. Not just keeping on the right track speaking, but actually revealing things about my future. I feel Him drawing me nearer each day.

I am happy, but not content, focused but not patient and I think for most people, I am pretty annoying=)

Truth is, I am trying to be patient, I am. Every where I turn there is another reminder that I am not made to be here in the states...that my future is for Africa. Every time I look into the eyes of our bus kids, I see Africa. Everytime I hug one of my girls, I feel Africa. Everytime I struggle through my Anatomy class I am reminded, it's all for Africa, each time I read the reaching Africa's children blog, my heart breaks a little more. This is all just preparation for what's coming. For just a moment, I am okay again....I can do this, I can push on.

I was just talking today to my Aunt Lyn who is also struggling with this, only her heartbeat is Eastern Europe/Russia. I was thinking out loud really, but it dawned on me that I am surrounded by a group of friends who are missionaries, or have been missionaries, or who are preparing to be missionaries and they whole heartedly understand what I am going through. Some missionaries struggle with these feelings alone. They don't have the support group that I have.

Truly I am blessed. So I'll be patient, as best as I can, and I'll trust God because one day, I'll go back, and one day, it'll be right, and one day........these feelings will all seem like they are miles away.

Confusion then realization

Have you ever had one of those defining moments where one of your biggest fears is finally relieved and you feel as though a big weight has been lifted?

That happened to me today..in one 45 minute phone call, one of my biggest fears was taken far away, and I realized that I am wanted here. All of those battle scars that I hadn't allowed to heal, that I had been using to excuse my behavior, had slowly been closing and healing and now, they are done.

They won't hurt anymore, only serve to remind me where I came from, what God has pulled me from, and more importantly where He has me now. I don't have to worry about where on earth I would go, or who to turn to when I just need my family. I used to, but I don't. The person I know as momma, has always been there, just waiting for me to understand...she's not going anywhere, no matter what my biological family did in the past. I just had to get that for myself.

God really does, know the desires of our hearts, and as long as we are walking with Him, He'll give us what we need and long for.